Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Madonna and Child

I received an SMS from Nanay yesterday evening telling me that they'd just finished their supper.  She and my younger brother had some fat and fleshy charcoal-grilled tilapia dipped in a traditional tomato-onion-soy sauce-chili combo- eaten with steamed rice, of course!  Nanay proudly added that my brother used a portion from the small amount of cash they've got from selling bags of copra to purchase those locally produced fishes. 

One Saturday afternoon in the early nineties, somewhere in Mindanao, Philippines... there was this public school teacher who was asking her eldest son to stay at home instead of pursuing his teenage mindset of visiting friends and have fun during weekends.  The mother and her son spent the rest of that afternoon until Sunday planting coconut seedlings around their very small property. 

"We are doing it so after I retire from teaching years from now, I have some coconuts to harvest..." 

Her son halfheartedly complied.  

The SON in the story was me.  I was left epiphoric after reading that SMS last night, those words uttered a couple of decades earlier had reverberated; those were, indeed, right! 

I DECIDED TO GIVE UP my livelihood eighteen months ago to pursue my dreams.  Jobless, I'm guilty, somehow, of not 'looking after' my mother especially when she needs it.  This 'note' is not about monetary issues, though, because I can feel that my loved ones back home comfortably find joy out of the modest things in life.  I envy them of their sense of satisfaction as much as I question myself for being too ambitious!

As I continue my journey in finding my personal legend, that message from my mother has prompted me to reflect.  Have I been sowing enough, so far?  Will there be enough for me to reap one day?

Friday, August 23, 2013

Heart Failure

It feels like my heart's been manually squeezed like an orange!  It simply hurts.

It really hurts being ignored but I know I can't even demand for your attention because I don't have the right.  You're not mine.  It has become a sheer stupidity- I have been entertaining these feelings and thoughts for over a year now and haven't done anything to alleviate it.  The management of this case is not just simply taking an anti-adrenergic drug to, at least, control my heart's contractility.  

Jotting it down on this diary is so easy; I have decided to open this journal to let the world know that there's this secret affection that I have been keeping for so long... as if casting all these burdens out of my chest!  Would a letter or a card be enough, or do I need to send you bunches of roses with layers of heart-shaped chocolate cake to let you feel that I truly care?   

I just can't simply do these things right away, though.  There's this thick cloud of doubts that's been hovering over my mind- I'm scared to get rejected, I hate to be embarrassed.

At this stage I can't demand for anything more than your smile or your friendly 'hi!' every time our paths cross.  Please let me feel I'm visible 'cause I know I am...